Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
