can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
