I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
time to smoke my breakfast
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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