your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
