I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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