how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
