we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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