From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
