Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
