There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
