Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
