i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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