His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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