I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
