I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
