is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
