So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
