Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
