I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
