Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize