u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
