I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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