So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
