She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
