my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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