god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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