Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
