just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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