just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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