do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Enjoy the penises
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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