is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
