I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
