A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
