speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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