The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
