I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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