Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
