I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
