My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
