my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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