Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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