nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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