i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
