everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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