So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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