You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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