you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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