maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Terrible idea I love it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize