im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
