Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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