I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
