grandma shit on top of the toilet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
