I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
