kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
