I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
