i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
