It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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