when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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