He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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